Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 4

4. Good-bye Love LairBEING THE JOURNAL OF ABBY NORMAL,Triumphant Destroyer of Vampyre KittiesI weep, I brood, I grieve-I perplex sniffed the bitter pink Sharpie of despair and mas gondola cara tears stripe my cheeks like a mouthful of chewed-up black Gummi bears has been loogied in my eyes. Life is a dark abyss of pain and I am al angiotensin-converting enzyme, separated from my darling delicious Foo. scarcely check it-I tot in ally kicked ass against a gang of vampyre kitties. Thats right, kitties, content many. No longer does the huge shaved vampyre cat Chet stalk the City alone he has been fall in by many smaller and un-shaved vampyre cats, many of which I turned to kitty toast with my most fly sheet sunlight jacket. Right outside our loft, they were attacking that crazy Emperor cat-o-nine-tails and his dogs and I saved them by running out into the street and hitting the lights.It was pure techo-carnage, blood everywhere, and a little Japanese guy with a samurai sword doing t he serious Ginsu on the kitties as they attacked.I know what you are thinking.Ninja, pleaseI know, OMFGZORRO A samurai in Sucker-Free CityI didnt even try to convince the cops when they came.They were all, What up?And I was all, No matter.And they were all, Whats all this? Pointing to the blood and steaming kitty ashes and whatnot.And I was all, Dont know. Ask him. I just heard some perturbation so I came out to check it out.So they asked the Emperor and he tried to tell them the only story, which was a mistake- however hes kind of insane, so you have to give him a break. But they put him in the car anyway and took him and his dogs away, even though it was alto nourishher obvious that they knew who he was and were just being dicks about the strong social function. Everyone knows the Emperor. Thats why they call him the Emperor.Kayso, Foo finally came home and I jumped into his arms and secern of rode him to the ground with a large tongue kiss so deep that I could taste the bu rned cinnamon toast of his soul, but consequently I slapped him, so he didnt think I was a slut. (Shut up, he had wood.)And he was all, bear doing that, I dont think youre a slutAnd I was all, Yeah, well because how did you know thats why I slapped you, and where the fuck have you been, my mad, manga-haired love monkey? Sometimes its best to turn the tables and start asking questions when your command sucks ass. I learned that in Introduction to Mass Media class.And Foos all, Busy.And Im like, Well you missed my heroic warrior-babe assault. And I, like, t gray him the whole thing and then I said, So, now in that respects a lot of vampyre cats. Whats up with that, nerdslice? Which is a pet name I have for Foo when referring to his mad science skills.And hes all, Well, we know that there has to be an exchange of blood from the vampyre to its victim in the beginning the victim dies, otherwise it just goes to dust.And Im like, So Chets smart exuberant to know that?And Foos all, No , but if a cats bitten, whats the raw(a) thing for it to do?And Im all, Hey, Im asking the questions here. I am the boss of you, you know?And Foo totally ignores me, and hes all, They minute back. I think Chet is changing the other cats by accident.But he drained that parking cop and she didnt turn.She didnt bite him back.And Im all, I knew that.And Foos like, There could be hundreds of them.And Im all, And Chet led them here. To us.And Foos all, He marked this as his territory before the old vampyre turned him. He sees this as his place. The stairway still smells like cat pee.And Im like, Thats not all.And Foos all, What? What?And I totally slip into my dark mistress voice and Im all, Chet has changed. Hes bigger.And Foos all, maybe his coat has just grown back. And Im all unfortunate like, No, Foo, hes still shaved, but hes a lot bigger, and I think- I paused. It was very dramatic.And Foos like, Tell meI sort of fainted all emo into his arms. And he totally caught me like the dark hero of the moors that he is, but then he harshed the romantic drama of it all by tickling me and going, Tell me, tell me, tell me.So I did, because I was close to peeing myself, and Im totally not into that kind of thing. I think we have to refer about the little samurai guy turning, which would not be good, as he is full badass, despite his deep stupid hat and socks.And Foo was all, Did he bite them?And I was all, He was full-on covered in vampyre kitty blood. Maybe some drops got in his mouth. Lord Flood said he accidentally turned that blue ho from one kiss on the bloody lips.And Foos like, Well we need to find him, then. Abby, we may not be able to handle this. We need help. And hes all nodding to the statue of the Countess and Lord Flood.And Im all, Do you know the first thing that will happen if we let them out?And Foos all, Jody will totally kick our asses.And Im like, Oui, mon amour, epic ass-kickings pour toi and moi. But you know whats even scarier?And Foos all, Wh at? What? What? Because French drives him mad.So Im like, You still have wood And I squeezed his unit and ran into the bedroom.Kayso, Foo dog me around the loft a couple of times, and I let him catch me twice, just long enough to kiss me before I was forced to slap him-well, you know why-and run away. But as I was prepared to let him think I would surrender to his manly deliciousness, Im all, You could turn me to a vamp and I could use my dark powers to scoop Chets litter box of destruction.And Foo was all, No fucking way. I dont know enough. thus someone started pounding on the door. And not a little Hey, whats up? pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff.I know. WTF? Privacy much? Pounding on the love lair.JODY It was like complete(a) not quite lunchtime in her cubicle at the insurance company, back in antediluvian patriarch history, three months ago, before she was a vampire. Every sundown, for about fif teen seconds, Jody awoke and panicked over the hunger and backwardness until she was able to will herself into mist and float in what she thought of as the blood dream, a pleasant, unreal haze that lasted until sunup, when her body went solid inside the brass shell and for all practical purposes, she became dead totality until sundown came round again. But sometime around the end of the first week of freakouts, she realized that she was moving Tommy. That he was in the bronze shell with her, and unlike her, he couldnt go to mist. She should have taught him, she knew, just as the old vampyre had taught her, but now it was too late. Maybe, since she couldnt move enough to tap a message with her palpate in Morse code, let alone talk, she could reach out to him, somehow connect with him telepathically. Who knew what kind of powers she mightiness have that the old vampyre had forgotten to tell her about. She concentrated, conjureed, even tried to send some sort of thump to the pl aces where their skin touched, but all she got back was an extended, jagged, electric panic.Poor Tommy. He was there all right. alive and mercilessly aware. She tried to reach him until she could bear the weight of her own hunger and panic no longer. Abby, if I ever get out of here, your narrow ass is mine, she thought before fading to mist and blessed escape.INSPECTOR RIVERA It wasnt a homicide, strictly speaking, because there was no body, but there was a traffic enforcement incumbent missing in action, and it had involved the Emperor and a certain block of light industry buildings and mechanic lofts south of Market Street that Rivera had flagged for notice if anything happened there. And something had definitely happened here, but what?He lifted the collar of the acquit traffic officeholders uniform with the tip of his pen to confirm that the fine gray ash was not on the pavement underneath, and it wasnt. Inside the uniform, on the sidewalk at the cuffs and collar of the u niform, yes, but not on the sidewalk under the uniform.I dont see a crime, said Nick Cavuto, Riveras partner, who, if hed been a flavor of ice cream, would have been festal Linebacker Crunch. Sure, something happened here, but it could have just been kids. The Emperor is clearly nuts. Totally unreliable.Rivera stood up and looked around at the blood-soaked street, the ashes, the still-flashing light on the parking cart, and then at the Emperor and his dogs, who had their noses pressed to the back window of their brown, unmarked Ford sedan. Riveras flavor was Low-fat Spanish Cynic in an Armani cone. He said cats did this.Well there you go, an Animal Control issue. Ill call them. Cavuto made a great show of flipping open his mobile and punching at the numbers with his thick sausage fingers.Rivera shook his head and crouched over the empty uniform again. He knew what the demolish was, and Cavuto knew what the powder was. Sure, it had taken them a couple of months, and a lot of unsol ved murders, and watching the old vampire take enough gunfire to kill a platoon of men, only to survive to kill a half-dozen much people, but they had finally caught on.It wasnt cats, Rivera said.They promised to leave, Cavuto said, pausing in his display of percussive dialing. The creepy girl said they left town. They, signification Jody and Tommy, who had promised to leave town and never return. The Emperor said he saw the old vampire get on a ship-a whole bunch of them sail away.But hes totally unreliable, Rivera said.Most of the time. This is not-Rivera held up a finger to stop him. They had agreed never to use the v-word when others were around. We have to go see the spooky kid.Noooo, Cavuto wailed, then caught himself, realizing that for a man of his size, appearance, and occupation, that whining over having to confront a skinny teenage girl was, well-he was being a huge wuss-thats what.Man up, Nick, well tell her not only does she have a right to remain silent, its an oblig ation. Besides, I called in backup.I should probably stay in the car with the Emperor. See if he remembers anything else.Just then there was a commotion at the crime scene tape and a uniformed officer said, Inspector, this woman wants through. She says she has to see her daughter, who lives in that apartment. The officer pointed to the fire door of the loft where the spooky kid lived with her boyfriend.An engaging blond woman in her late thirties wearing paisley medical scrubs was trying to push past the officer.Let her through, Rivera said. Look, Nick, an angel come to protect you.Oh God save me from fucking neo-hippies, said Gay Linebacker Crunch.